soleil renee

Today was a lot!!! Tom will be nothing. Goodnight

Gonna use this shytt to track my life? I guess.. I’m about to go to bed to get up way early… Tomorrows plan: Gym at 5:30 Shower at 6:45 Carnation for breakfast Leave for school at 7:15 Lunch, water After school tomatoes and onions and spinach Dinner smoothies w o turbo Bed by 8:30!!!!

my battery’s dying, but I don’t feel like moving. I enjoyed reading all of the wonderful tumblr post tonight :P, goodnight to all!

I want to rush through everything, and I know I’ll regret it when I’m older. I can’t help but want to be older, but I know when I’m there I’ll just want to be younger. It seems like I’ll never be happy with anything. Apparently I need to act girlier too, since people think I’m gay.. Why have people called me a dyke since 5th grade? Look at my picture, do I look manly? or dyky (sp)? I certainly don’t think I act in a boyish manner.. Is it just because I play sports and I’m not the skinniest girl? I hate assumptions. I’m going to try to not assume or judge people anymore, it hurts.

Problem number one.

I basically use this thing for self support. This is my inner conscious, where I can live out every dream I can’t accomplish ‘irl’. I’m going to try to sort out one problem at a time in my life, and I guess I’ll just log it on here.

One person I’ve always truly loved is my grandma. I used to go to her house at least 3 times a week, cried every time I had to leave. She was my support system. When I needed someone to vent to and agree with me, almost always, she was there. I enjoyed more than anything talking to her, because she always looked at each situation from my point of view, then gave advice from hers. Of course she was embaressing me alot, but I honestly didn’t care when I was with her, because I was just so happy. Recent events led to me not being allowed to contact her in any way. She’s done wrong by me in few ways, but I’m willing to forgive her, because it’s been going on all of my life, I really don’t care anymore. My parents on the other hand all of a sudden decided they care, but it’s not even about me, it’s about them trying to hurt her, because she was manipulated and cut my dad out of his inheritence (sp?).

Now I pretend I don’t like her, I have to to keep my parents from hating me and constantly yelling at me. She thinks that I hate her too, but I can’t tell her I don’t, I can’t tell them, because it will all resurface in court. I just want my parents to still have support for me, if I decide to see her. I will look like a total two faced brat if I go back to her, but honestly I really do love my grandma, and I want her to know that, I love her more than anyone.

So there’s the dilemma: parents or grandma?

So I’m going to solve problem one, and try to figuare out if I really want her back in my life

ooh what shall I do?

I suckkkkkkk.

Either I did really bad at practice tonight, or everyone else did really good. I need consistancy! God, I just wish I had one exceptional talent, just one thing I’m really really good at. I’ve heard so many times that everyone is special in their own way, and I can usually pick this out on others, but on me? pfft no. I’m mediocre at everything I do, I’m mediocre looks-wise, I’m mediocre personality wise, I just can’t find anything special about me? I’m just like everyone else in the world..

Oh well, I’m sort of in a bummed mood. I wish I was different. That I would just shut the fuck up sometimes. That I was nicer. That I was more caring. That I wasn’t bi-polar. Which I honestly think I have, I can’t control myself most of the time. I try so hard, but I just go off. I’m violent, foul mouthed, and extremely bitchy. Then I’m sweet as cinnamon, probably the nicest person you’ve met. Then I’m annoying, trying too hard to be funny, bitchy, giggly, all at the same time. It’s like I’m 3 different people, and you never know which one you’re going to get.. So I apologize to everyone in my life, I know I’m not right. But there’s nothing I can about it.

fatfatfat

I just ate alot, muha ha. McDonalds is yummm. I’m thinking about going for an all organic diet. Does anyone do this that would like to give me deets on it? Like the hard parts, easy parts, tips, suggestions, blah blah blah.

It’ll deffinitely be healthier I know, and it should be easier to get in shape and benefit my “training”. (I’m officially starting tomorrow, haha I’ve been saying that for two weeks ;P).

I made a little natural skin care concoction, and it really cleared up my skin, yay :D. I really enjoy reading about natural remedies, or even chemical remedies. Maybe I should make a career out of this, paha get real.

well I must go to sleep now, I’ll get on here tomorrow :D

I’m giving this a go…

I feel like a little kid at a sex shop trying to figuare out this tumblr stuff. Paha, worried I’m not doing it right? I guess I’ll just blog about my day, this thing is sort of like xanga.;

I’m finally going to the fabric store today :3, I’ve been waiting impatiently forever. Yay! I’m so excited. Then I’m going to work, going to buy some hair dye (I’m thinking auburn?) & changing my identity once again.. Then I’ll probably tan as I figuare out how to knit, which I will successfully do, btw. Online tutorials never fail me, I’m a wizzzz.

I’m off to gawk at everyone elses’ tumblrs to see what this place is really about.

ciao, soleil

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